Friday, February 13, 2015

Why I'm So Against Fifty Shades of Grey

Before I get started, I want everyone who reads this to know that this is not easy for me. I have difficulty putting the things I feel into words sometimes, especially about this sort of thing. This post is not to condemn anyone to hell. This post is not simply to talk about the book/movie listed in the title.

The last few days I have strongly felt the leading of the Lord to explain why this means so much to me. Those who don't understand this are bound to ridicule me or think I'm crazy, and that's okay. I have to do my best to follow the Lord's leading. This is a post that won't be PG. I will be talking about some things in my past, and if that will bother you then you probably shouldn't read this. Well, here goes nothing. Hoping this makes sense and even helps someone.

Today's world is far different than the one my great grand parents and grand parents grew up in. Sex is everywhere. Commercials have half naked men and women. Movies as well. Sex doesn't mean anything anymore. You meet a cute, get drunk, and hey, why not fall into bed with him? But that's not really what I'm here to talk about. This post, for me, is mostly about my extreme distaste for erotic literature.

When I was younger, I discovered what should be every parent's nightmare. Porn. I was curious and thought maybe such videos would help understand more about sex. What started off as curiosity quickly became an addiction. My parents found out and took measures to prevent this happening again. I thought it was over. But it wasn't. I found ways. It became, as addictions do, something that I needed. Something I wanted. When I discovered erotic literature, I was ecstatic. Harlequin novels were far better than watching it. Maybe that is because I'm a women. Over a period of years, I sank to a level that almost destroyed me. Porn and the books led me to want to experience such stuff for myself. I then moved on to sexting. Total strangers. Men I had never met or knew nothing about.

I wanted to be a sexy girl in one of those videos or in the books I was reading. My way of feeling good about myself was showing my body and making guys excited by the sight. The thing was, that feeling only lasted for awhile. After every time, I just felt dirty. Guys didn't like me. They liked the pictures I sent and the things I said.

I never had sex, not until marriage, but I almost did. Even after I finally kicked the pron habit and the sexting, the books were still there. Everywhere. The library, walmart.

But when I was finally and gloriously delievered, I realized just how dangerous these things are. They make you excited. Make you feel things that God intended your husband to make you feel. After reading one you want to experience such wonderful sex for yourself.

Now many of you have no problem with sex before marriage. I do. The Bible is very clear about such things. To a lot of you, Harlequin novels are just books. They might not visbly affect you.

Sex was something God intended for the marriage bed. He never intended it to be read about, or watched. I'm not saying that reading books like that will make you go and have random sex. Not at all. I'm just saying, that for me and other girls, especially young teens trying to find themselves, this can be dangerous.

Then you have Fifty Shades or Grey. That is taking things to a whole different level. The relationship portrayed is so far from healthy. I read a series a long time ago very similar to that. Sure, the thought of getting tied up by a very sexy man may sound great. And if you wanna do that with your husband, your choice. But he hurt her. Abused her. Stalked her. What is this teaching people? Christian Grey was not a romantic man. He was a man abused as a child. He now abuses women but it is totally okay because he is wealthy and gorgeous. He dominates her in every aspect in her life.

Now take girls in the sex trafficking schemes that happen in the world. Same things happens to them. Virgins forced into an all consuming sexual "relationship" just so some pervert can have it any way he wants it. That's not okay. Right? So why is this okay? Because he seems charming? Because he is so good looking?

I can't believe this was made into a movie. It sickens me that my son has to grow up in a world that is teaching him that a man acts in such a way. God help me amd my husband to teach the way a real man is supposed to treat a woman.

To this day, I still get the urge to read such books. I completely understand the excitement and the feeling elicited by such books. But no. I have an amazing husband who fulfills my needs. Who doesn't have sex with me but makes love to me. We connect and become one as God intended.

As I mentioned earlier, this is not to condemn anyone. I have friends that are going to see the movie and that reads those kinds of books. I just found the need to explain why I feel the way I feel. I have known sexually abused people. I hate seeing the the world now sees this as entertai entertainment.

Also, my parents are not to blame for my issues. Kids who want to can find a way to get their hands on things, despite the many precautions placed by parents.

I'm very thankful for a loving Savior who changed my life and gave me a husband who treats me the way God intended. And for parentd that prayed with me and did everything they could to help me fight an addiction that was unlike anything I've ever faced.

Thanks for reading. God bless,

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


As I approach my due date, my mind is filled with all the many bad things that can happen to a child. Already so in love with my baby boy, thinking about all the potential dangers tends to make me a bit crazy. But it isn't the thought of my son breaking an arm or having to get stitches that scares me the most. It's the thought of the devil ever getting his hands on my son's life.

I wasn't a perfect child, not by far. Thinking back on some of the things I did while in sin several years ago I shudder to think of how I let the devil take control of me. The fact that he could ever have a part of my son scares me to death. 

More than anything in this world I want to make sure I raise my son in a good church, one that makes him want Jesus in his life more than anything. I want him to never stray from the straight and narrow and to never have to experience the sin, sadness, and brokenness that I had to before I was finally ready to surrender. I don't want him to have the personality to try the bad things for himself like I did. 

I know I can't be super mom. I know I can't force him to be the person I want him to be. But I will do my best to show him Christ. I want my son to be able to look at me and say 'I want what she has.' I will pray for him daily. That's the best I can do. 

I love you, TJ!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Since Everyone Has One, Here is My Opinion on Miley Cyrus

Everyone seems to be going on and on about Miley Cyrus. Not only are they railing on her for her performance at the VMA's, they are calling her newest phase trashy. Yes, I agree that her performance was disgraceful and 'trashy', but Miley is just one of many young celebrities that are lost.

Miley started out as an innocent young actress playing the popular Hannah Montana, a show that many young people enjoyed. She quickly grew and moved past Hannah Montana, something she was outgrowing. Now she is screaming for attention by wearing very little clothing, singing songs that are filled with questionable lyrics, and dancing like a stripper. More than anything, I am sad for her. She is someone that God had big plans for, but she wasn't raised to know Him. She's lost. Her actions reflect someone who is confused and instead of trying to help, we criticize and judge, neither of which is our place. Miley still has a chance to know Jesus but no one is helping her. No one is taking the time to sit down and talk to her or explain to her what she is doing. The more we say hurtful things to her, the farther she will run.

Miley, as most of us know, was named Destiny Hope by her parents. Her nickname though was 'Smiley' because that is what she did most. Miley is a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile. She has a personality that draws people to her and a talent that God has given her. But her actions are making her ugly and repulsive.

Miley, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm sorry everyone is criticizing and belittling you for your choices. I wish that I had a chance to sit down and talk with you so that I could explain to you what knowing Christ is like. I wish I could tell you how amazing you are in God's sight but that your actions hurt Him. I wish that I could hug you and tell you that you are loved SO much by your Creator. I wish more than anything that I could lead you to Christ. You would be a changed person; a person that people could look up to instead of being a person that everyone is disgusted by.
I'm not sure what hurt you have gone through and I won't judge you until I walk a mile in your shoes. Even though I may not agree with your choices, I love you because God loves you. I pray for your salvation.

A concerned child of God

Thursday, March 7, 2013

My Journey to Beauty - A Personal Narrative

The following paper I wrote for an English assignment. Names have been changed for the privacy of those I mention. I hope that sharing some of my past and my experiences that I can help someone else. This was a very hard thing to write and tears were shed. But God is faithful. He is the reason that I am who I am today.

My Journey to Beauty
Growing up, I was the girl who was always seen playing with the boys. Being my tomboyish self, I had no desire to dress up and try to make myself look pretty for the boys. No, I was one of the boys. They thought of me as one of them, not some girl they might like. That role was fine with me because I was not the least bit interested in romance. Life was all about who could climb the biggest tree and how high you could ramp your bike.
My journey really began when, for the first time, the boys didn’t include me. I was almost a teenager and they no longer saw me as one of them. After all, I was a girl. It was then I actually began to look at myself in the mirror and realized I was growing into a young lady. But I immediately began to notice things that were “wrong” with me. My hair wasn’t blonde enough. My face was covered in acne. My teeth weren’t straight. All these things needed to change before I could be “beautiful.” I was so sure that I was flawed that my self-esteem became very low. My parents kept telling me that I was beautiful because I was the way that God had made me. But I could not be swayed in my opinion of myself. Every other girl that I saw seemed to have everything I was so sure I needed.
I continued to think down about myself but things changed a bit when I got my first boyfriend at the age of fifteen. John Matthews Jr. made me feel like the most beautiful girl on earth. He reminded me every day that I was perfect just the way I was. Through the love of my boyfriend I began to realize maybe I wasn’t flawed.
After three months though, things changed. We were realizing that we were not compatible as we had first though. So, the relationship ended and I was once again left alone. Without the constant reminder that I was beautiful my self-esteem began to plummet. Once again I would stand in front of the mirror and point out to myself all the flaws that I saw. My parents continued to try and help build up my confidence. But parents are supposed to think their kids are beautiful and handsome so that didn’t help at all. I cared about what the rest of the world called beautiful.
Beauty continued to be an issue for me and I tried everything I could to be beautiful. I soon became involved in many immoral things, just so I could feel better about myself. But the more things I did, the less beautiful I felt. Those things were not making me beautiful. Instead they made me feel dirty and used. The guys I were involved with only cared about my body and how much I was willing to give them.
When I was sixteen I went to a church youth camp in Michigan. It was there that I met the guy that I spent the next two years loving. His name was Daniel Johnson, and to me, he was gorgeous. He was muscular, charming, and surprisingly enough he seemed to take an interest in me. At this particular time though, I was back with John again. We had gotten back in contact and decided to give it another go. While I was at this camp, John did something stupid that caused the Emergency Room doctors to think he might have a brain tumor. I became very angry with John, so when Daniel flirted, I flirted back.
Soon after camp, John and I broke up again, but this time was different. I had liked Daniel at camp and we had traded numbers causing us to text a lot. The more I got to know Daniel, the more I fell for him. Yes, he was a player but I tried to ignore that. He was always on and off about me, never really wanting to commit. When we were together he was always looking at other girls but he wanted to keep me around and refused to let me go. The first time he kissed me we both felt something and even he admitted to that.
A year passed and he continued to try and find a girlfriend, one that wasn’t me. I never could figure out why he didn’t want to date me when he admitted to having feelings for me. We were perfect for each other, or so I thought.
Another year passed and Daniel and I got closer as friends and I was so sure that he was finally going to choose me. He came and spent a weekend at my house and things finally started to happen. We were kissing when he finally asked me for sex. Now I had to make a big decision. As of that moment he had never wanted a relationship with me and now he wanted to take away something that was, and still is, very important to me. I refused him and it was then the truth came out. I asked him how he could expect that of me yet not want to date me. “You are perfect for me in every way…except your face.” Those words did something to me. My heart broke into a million pieces and any self-esteem I had was now shattered with it.
I never saw Daniel again after that weekend and that was okay with me. I had said my goodbyes and now I was trying to move forward. In my desperation to be loved by any guy, including him, I had become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I hated.
Slowly, I let my faith and trust in God return and I began the long journey of building myself back into the person I wanted to be. It was a painful process and I had to come to terms with the fact I would never be anything other than me. Friends banded together and worked to help me get back up and keep moving forward in my life.
Several months later, I was halfway through my senior year of high school. I was slowly moving forward but I didn’t trust any guys except for my best friend, Darrin. He helped me see that not all guys were like that.
Right around graduation, a really great guy named Oliver approached my mom and told her that he wanted to date me. She told him that I had been through a really rough time and he would have to win my heart if he was really interested in having a relationship with me. Oliver, being the kind of guy he was, proceeded to do that. In the next month or so we began dating. He was everything I had ever wanted.
I had begun to see myself as beautiful again and Oliver loved reminding me that I was. We built each other up and made each other stronger. We had talked about the future and our relationship was getting serious. When I went with my mom to Canada to visit family, I received the phone call that I never thought was coming. He was ending things. To this day I still don’t know why.
“You are perfect for me in every way…except your face.” Those words immediately came to my mind and I was certain this was the reason he had ended things. We talked after he broke it off and he swore up and down that it wasn’t me. Even though my self-confidence was better, the words still bothered me.
For the first time in my teenage life, I had self-esteem that wasn’t completely crumbling around me when a relationship ended. I was slowly learning that being me was okay. God was helping to show me that I was perfect the way he had made me and I just needed to be myself. I could finally go shopping and buy something I liked and not care what others thought. It was very freeing and I began to become someone that I loved. My personality was something that I had always liked, and I was now realizing that beauty isn’t just about looks.
The many hurts and disappointments that I faced, and still face, have been a journey. They have taught me how it amazing it is to find the beauty within yourself and others. They taught me to love who I am and to never apologize for being that person.
Beauty isn’t about looking like a super model or a athlete. It isn’t about having the perfect body or having flawless skin. Beauty is something that each and every person already has. It lies inside all of us and we just need to set it free. I had to learn that other people didn’t get to decide whether or not I was beautiful. They didn’t get to tell me who to be or how to act. Now that I have stopped caring about what others think, I feel so good. My journey to beauty has just begun and isn’t always an easy one, but it’s worth it. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


Now, I'm not a person that likes to get involved in politics. I'm not all gung-ho about voting and things like that, I have to admit. But today I listened to Rush Limbaugh talk about Michelle Obama's speech at the DNC, and I had to listen for myself.

Michelle Obama has a presence. She is gorgeous, intelligent, and really knows how to give a speech. Her presentation was definitely 100%. For those of you who haven't heard it yet, you should check it out. I have included it here.

Factually, I'm not sure everything was on par. Yes, she talked about how important the truth was, but I think some things were stretched.

I said 'I think', not 'I know.' I cannot be sure because I haven't done the research, but feel free to find out for yourself.

She is a smooth talked and definitely knows how to work a crowd and pull the heart-strings. If you watched, you most likely saw people wiping tears away, as did I. I have to admit she even had me nodding occasionally. But at the end of the day, I don't agree with abortion. I don't agree with gay marriage. Both are against God. Now I may judge you or treat you differently, but I do disagree.

Obama promised change, and boy did he follow through. Unfortunately, that change wasn't so good. We are a good bit deeper in debt, and the unemployment rate has gone up.

In Jan 2009, the US unemployement rate was 7.8%. In Dec of the same year it was up to 10%. It is currently 8.3%. So instead of decreasing, it has risen.

To get the country headed in the right direction, we need someone in office who stands for what God stands for. This will always be 'One nation under GOD.'

So, feel free to comment! I would love to hear your opinions about her speech. Any  facts and opinions you wish to share are welcome. I have tried to not to state anything that wasn't factual, because I have not done a whole lot of research.

God Bless America!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


They say that you never know what you have until you don't have it anymore. We, as humans, take many things in life for granted. A house to live in, shoes to wear, three meals a day, a school to attend. 

A house to live in -  In 2011, here in the United States, 643,067 people were homeless. This means about 21 people in every 10,00 are homeless. There are over 100 MILLION people worldwide that have no place to live. 

Shoes to wear - millions of children and adults in third world countries will never own a pair of shoes...yet we have at least 12 sitting in our closet. 

Three meals a day - 1 in every 7 people, worldwide, DO NOT know when they will get to eat next or where the next meal is coming from.

A school to attend - 1 in 5 children in South Africa alone cannot attend school..

We take all of these things for granted. It really give you perspective when you see numbers of how many people in the world are suffering, yet we think we need more.

Don't forget; no matter how little you think you have, there are people with A LOT less. Thank God for every little thing you have.  

Sunday, May 15, 2011


So I was just reading my devotions and tonight's was on extreme prayer. I use the Voice of the Martyr's Extreme Devotion book. Anyhow, I came across this and wanted to share it with you.

"Prayer. That which does the most, we often do the least. Prayer is our first defense against spiritual warfare, yet often our last resort. Those who are persecuted for their faith teach us the priority of prayer. Their last remarks are not fighting words. Their final actions on earth are not resistance. Instead, prayer is on their dying breath, confounding their accusers and convincing others of their resolute faith. History shows persecuted saints' dying prayers can influence others for the gospel perhaps more than if they had lived. When you are in life's crucible and the flames burn hot around you, will you turn to prayer? Will others see your first and last defense is your communication with you heavenly Father?"
I mean, wow. What powerful words. I am so often guilty of not taking time to pray, for I have a very short attention span and others things soon cloud my mind. But these are important questions. When life get hard and stressful, will I turn prayer? Will others see that in me?

Just wanted to share this thought with ya'll.